Candy, Garbage Pail Kids, & Identity

A few thoughts from my childhood core memory lane...

Candy was her name and she had a girl gang with her. "Get out of here, you can't play over here, we are." A hefty tall girl named Candy came bustling in the corner area where I had been playing quietly alone. She had a couple of friends with her, got right in my personal space to tell me in other words to "scram, ya ain't wanted here." The intimidation tactic worked.

I remember experiencing a feeling I hadn't felt before. I didn't know how to describe it then, I only had a 5 year old's vocabulary to draw from. Really it was a mixed bag of rejection, a feeling of being completely overlooked and uncared about, worthless, embarrassed, taken advantage of, confusion of what I had done wrong? She made me feel like something was my fault, that I had done something wrong by just being there and existing. My first experience of a 'being bullied moment' that I can remember...which is a core memory apparently. I was very shy, very introverted, very quiet. Easy target. I did't say a word to her, or tell the teacher. I just set the pans down and walked over by the cubbies and tried to pretend to look into my backpack to avoid what just happened. I probably had tears in my eyes and not knowing how to process it all. I absorbed all the lies about myself from that encounter and felt them as truth. I just took it. I would always tuck the feelings down and carry on.

Then first grade came. There was that boy a couple grades older sitting next to me at the lunch tables. We waited here as a holding place in the mornings before school started.

I remember thinking it felt good that he talked to me. He told me to say that he was a garbage pail kid. I was like, huh? He continued on laughing and smiling and making me feel like we were friends. Then it quickly went South after I repeated what he said the way he encouraged me to. He quickly changed his demeanor, called a teacher over, and told her in a sad upset accusation, "She called me a garbage pail kid.' I was little and didn't even know what that was. If you grew up in the 80's/early 90's you may know they were ugly grotesque cabbage patch doll illustration cards (you will probably look it up lol). She scolded me. He smiled behind her. I felt miserable for getting in trouble, stayed quiet, and just took it. I hadn't done anything wrong, but sure was made to feel like it. At the time I just took on the guilt as if I had. Feelings of shame, embarrassment, sadness for not measuring up, confusion as to why he tricked me, rejection, worthlessness.

Isn't it sad how early our lives are faced with these identity stealing, twisting, contorting tactics. How early we are faced with feelings of not being valuable, rejected, unwanted; and how people can intimidate, twist, manipulate, hurt, lie, and bully even as early as kids.

Interesting how early the enemy is at work to destroy our identity and value.

The earlier we can share with our kids that their identity is found solely in the Lord and their value comes from Him alone, our Creator....maybe these experiences won't be able to latch on as strong and turn into layers of false belief. Instead our children will have the truth to breathe life from, rather than stinky piles of garbage pail lies that are trying to define and mold them. So thankful for the Bible & our girls being able to read it whenever they want & need. That just wasn't apart of my childhood. I didn't have a clue. I didn't actually start reading one until I was desperate in my twenties and then my world turned upside down...and all my thoughts, feelings, and experiences then made sense.

Looking back I realize how my little mind began to work. Everything I experienced, saw, felt I believed to be truth. That's how I was seeing the world unfold, how I was perceiving it, and in turn perceiving who I was. I didn't know there was truth to stand on to combat what was being flung on me by Candy, by that boy, and by the whole list of others & situations that would just continue as I got older. Feelings, perception and experiences were my guide navigating my world. Mix that with my own sin and it was a disaster. Then after college I met Jesus and found the truth to stand on & rest in.

If only I would have had someone telling me early on...this world isn't as it seems...to help me see & understand truth from lies and feelings verse reality. Discernment may have taken root earlier and I would have been able to throw out the garbage as it came rolling in. Instead, I let it cover me like a landfill. Takes years to shed off those layers and to believe you aren't trash when you've let that be apart of your identity for so long.

Sometimes it feels like I'm right back in that landfill. An old memory resurfaces, a mistake is made, a situation where I feel overlooked or unworthy pops up etc...and then Jesus meets be there...in the mess...in the stink...and leads me out...reminds me I'm clean...washed white as snow...lifts my chin up where I'm looking at Him instead of the pit.

I think back then is partly where I started becoming a perfectionist of myself. As a protection. If I do this or become what they want, then I won't have to feel this way. I started recognizing patterns in behaviors of people. If I act this way, they won't get mad at me, they won't reject me, I won't have to feel shame. It's quite the web we weave to protect ourselves from feeling utterly hopeless...because we want to matter. We want to be valuable, liked, worthy of love, and our existence to matter. Quite soul crushing to have to find our value from people; that will always leave us wanting. This is because were never meant to. Our value and worth has always held residency in God and from God, the Creator of our souls & lives, and who He says we are. If only we could let go of the Candys & garbage pail kids markings and believe God instead, trust Him at His word, have faith in who He made us to be.

Lord help us to not live defined by people, but by Your word & truth. You say IN YOU JESUS we are chosen, a child of God, loved, redeemed, a new creation, Your handiwork made for good works that you prepared in advance for us to do, we are in your hand, we are forgiven, called, your friend, fearfully & wonderfully made, God's masterpiece, so valuable You laid down Your life for us. Please let the power of your Holy Spirit override and cast off any doubt or unbelief of walking out who You say we are. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." - Mark 9:24

Just some thoughts I had rolling around. Maybe you can relate?

-Ashley